Burnout, Boundaries, And Real Self-Care That Works With Jessica Batres RSW

We rethink self-care as a daily system, not a luxury, and explore how culture, gender roles, and perfectionism fuel burnout. Practical micro-habits, clear boundaries, and self-compassion turn rest into a reliable tool that sustains work, family, and emotional health.

• defining self-care across seven pillars
• spotting burnout signs and somatic red flags
• invisible load, gendered expectations, and time scarcity
• guilt reframes and “rest is productive” mindset
• micro-habits for busy days and overstimulation
• prioritizing tasks, realistic timelines, and saying no
• boundaries as self-care and preventing people-pleasing
• cultural barriers for children of immigrants
• mindfulness, presence, and discomfort tolerance
• therapy’s role in self-compassion and rewiring beliefs
• modeling healthy rest for kids and partners

Connect with Jessica: raicesflourishcounseling.ca  • Instagram: @therapy.with.jessicabatres • TikTok: @raices.flourish

Transcript

Sabrina Duong (00:44)
Welcome, Jessica Batras, social worker and founder of Racist Flourish. So happy to have you today to talk about parentification as adults, how we process and unpack that role that we may have had in the family, being a caregiver for our parents or others, and learning what that means. So if you'd to just introduce yourself

Jessica Batres (01:06)
Yes, I'm a social worker registered in Ontario. I offer therapy services. own my own practice as a therapist in Ontario called Raices Flourish. I support individuals that have anxiety and depression and I specialize with young adults that that grew up as children of immigrants, whether it's first generation or second generation, trying to fit into two cultures trying to deal with cultural expectations, trying to find themselves in kind of the middle, where we try to be authentic to our parents' culture and the Canadian one, making a mix of both. And so I help individuals find themselves in the mix of all of it.

Sabrina Duong (01:52)
Yes, it's really important, I think sometimes for people to understand the different cultural norms, values, how hard it is, and how important it is for children to fit in, right? And sometimes that message of not, or people share feeling like imposter syndrome, not really knowing where they fit in each community. So it's really helpful to find people out there to help navigate juggling both cultures. So excited to have you on again to talk about in this episode about, being parentified in childhood, And just want to talk about your experience and expertise. What would you share that looks like for people?

Jessica Batres (02:36)
It might be different for people. think I like to use media as a way to explain things because it's often relatable. So in this case, I think about, I mean, the summer right now is pretty big right now. And so the first one that comes to mind to me is Taylor from the show. We see that her mom is in a financial problem because her ex took away a bunch of money and got her business in debt and so they're trying to figure out what to do and Theodore doesn't think that her mom is gonna make it through without her help and so she decides to give her mom without telling her she pays the $5,000 debt that she owed to the bank so that she can keep the business and the house and $5,000 is a lot but most importantly for Taylor, it meant that she had to give away her internship, which was her dream internship. When she talked about it, we saw her being very excited about the internship. For some reason, the internship had something to do with the Met Gala, which I can't really remember what it was, but she was extremely excited, and it was a very good opportunity for later on in her career. But she gave that up to save her mom. And I like that example because it shows what participation is.

Taylor took on a role that wasn't hers. Her mom didn't ask and yet she felt the need to save her mom. And so that's a good example because it doesn't matter that her parents ask or not, at some point it was just like nature to do that type of thing. And the reality is that even though it affected Taylor because if her mom doesn't have a roof, then she doesn't have a roof, it wasn't her job.

Her job is to be a kid and to do whatever she needs to do to eventually become independent. But that was her mom's mess. And so it was her mom's responsibility to clean it up and take care of it. It wasn't Taylor's. And so again, that's the parentification side of it where our needs are not being met, that they're being pushed away and we use whatever we have to help or save our parents.

Sabrina Duong (04:47)
Right. So with this example, it's a child having to take on an adult role, being worried about finances, shelter, and making a sacrifice of maybe their future decisions to work with the adult caregiver to resolve the issues that a child should, you know, not privy to as much or have to take on that responsibility.

Yeah, and there's other ways too, could even be emotionally, right? So we see this a lot in let's say if there's separation or divorce of a child, where a parent may lean on for support and share and talk about things. Again, that might be more for an adult or a counselor as opposed to getting the support from the child.

Jessica Batres (05:35)
Yeah, no, absolutely. I think about me growing up, my mom after the divorce, she had to start nursing school so that she could get employment since her education from Guatemala was an equivalent here. Going into nursing was quicker, get to degree then doing her equivalences to be a teacher in Canada. And so that's what she opted to do. But

But the green itself is time consuming. And so she often left me responsibilities with my younger brother, which we were only 18 months apart. But there was also, I'm a woman and so I take care of more things because that's the cultural norm, which is not okay, but that's what it was at time. And so I would do my brother's lunches, we would walk together to school, but it was on me to make sure that he was safe. It wasn't like... keep each other safe, just make sure that you're keeping your brother safe. And then growing up, it was always that type of thing. And then eventually she remarried and had another kid. My little sister and I are 13 years apart. But again, if my mom couldn't do something, it was often on me to help out. I was the one to drop her off at daycare in the morning, so I had to take care of myself and my little sister. And I was like maybe 15 at the time.

So even though it wasn't my daughter, it almost felt like I was a teen mom. Or to everybody else on the street, when I would go drop her, they would assume I was a teen mom, which I would often get looks out for. But I needed to drop her because I wasn't going to leave her alone at home. Her husband had to leave at 6 a.m. for work. My mom was working at night as a nurse. And so I was the go-to to drop her at daycare in the morning. And again, I was 15 and they both did the role. They went to work so that we could have a roof and food and have our needs met financially. But me taking care of my sister, making sure that she ate, that she was dressed, even showered in in the morning and trying to take care of myself as well. I had to take a bus. I had to make sure that everything was on time so that I wouldn't miss a school bus. When I think about it, I know that other time it was a lot, but now when I think back as a mom, that wasn't my job at all.

Sabrina Duong (07:47)
So again, taking on a lot of responsibilities where it might have been, the expectation culturally to support with the parents needing to provide And that was a lot for you to juggle at that age. And despite, your brother being 18 months, there's still different developmental milestones, temperament, maturity, right? That can make it quite challenging, not taking you seriously because you're the sister. There's those dynamics. So that can be hard as well. And so there are different ways that a child may be placed in a adult caregiver role.

Jessica Batres (08:12)
Yeah.

Sabrina Duong (08:26)
Wondering maybe we could talk about how that dynamic impacts a child when those expectations are placed on them. ⁓

Jessica Batres (08:35)
I think about if I go back to Taylor's example, we can see the resentment in there. mom didn't ask for anything and yet she did it. And there's instances that we can see that she's very much annoyed with her mom without saying it. She's not telling her mom that she doesn't know her mom about it, but she shows it. They're at a dress shop with Belly and then Taylor keeps telling Belly, like, let me know if you don't want her here. I'll just tell her that she has to go. Taylor doesn't want to say it.

Belly is more than okay with her mom being there, especially because her mom is not there. And so having another parent is kind of helpful, especially because she grew up with Lucinda as well. But it's more about Taylor. Taylor doesn't know how to tell her mom that she's mad or she's resentful. So she's basing it on her friend. It's almost like an alibi. It's not about me. Belly is her moment. She doesn't feel comfortable or whatever. Belly is okay, so it doesn't happen. But we can see that Taylor is often...like making digs or shady comments towards her mom because of that resentment that's building. That's very common when you're being parentified. You grew up with resentment. so, the relationship that you have with your parents, it's not like a parent-child relationship. It's almost like an equal relationship. So I will keep telling you what to do or you shouldn't do because that was dynamic growing up. I wasn't a child that would be listening to you. You expected me to either take care of my siblings, to make the food when it was supposed to be you, to take care of things financially. And so now that I'm an adult, I will keep telling you what you're supposed to be doing because that's how I grew up with. And yet that resentment is still gonna be there. You might wonder why do you always feel annoyed when your parents call you? That might be why, because you're exhausted. You've been taking care of them your whole life.

And so now you just want space. So it can look different where it's resentment or some anger or wanting distance, but a dynamic won't be like a child-parent relationship. It won't necessarily be friendly. It can be very kind of edgy where you don't really want to be close. You're going to avoid them because again, you're just exhausted because you took on responsibilities that were too big for you at the time.

Sabrina Duong (10:50)
Right. So places a child within the dynamic of always being a helper, ⁓ almost people pleaser can't say no. of ignoring their needs because of having to worry about the parent or again, having those basic needs met and then to adulthood that doesn't change the pattern still happening where now it's just an adult child with a parent that's reaching out maybe all the time for support, whether it's emotional, financial it can still be a draining dynamic or interaction there. And it leaves that adult child to not feel supported, taken care of, which may be a pattern in other parts of life

Jessica Batres (11:36)
Yeah, I think that if you didn't know how to get your needs met and you had to meet my excess needs all your life, well, then it will be hard for you to recognize what are my needs and what are the recognizement and what are they and what boundaries can I or cannot have. And the same token, because you are used to being a people pleaser, it's always saying yes. And to always figure it out, you might become hyper independent to the point that asking for help might be too hard or you might not see it as an option at all. You mentioned this and it made me think about the Julissa Arthes. She wrote a book called You Sound Like a White Girl. And she talks about different experiences throughout her life, trying to be a good immigrant in the US. And one of the examples that resonated with me was when she bought her first house, her spouse.

I guess her in-laws sent some money to say congrats. And then the money was for them to buy furniture. And she says how she started to cry because she doesn't know what a relationship when your parents are taking care of you looks like. For her, it was always like what she had to give and more nowadays that she was financially stable and quote unquote, successful. It's so hard that has to carry some of the financial weight and she does it because she saw her parents struggle all her life and she wants to do something for them, but she doesn't know what it is to be taken care of by them. And so that can be hard. You might have a good relationship with your parents, but you also allow to feel some resentment or some anger or sadness for the little kid that needed more and that didn't get it.

Sabrina Duong (13:16)
Right, it becomes very hard to be dependent on others and not see that as a form of weakness or fear your own survival for some reason, right? Because of not being able to depend on others in some way. So it feels safer and more comfortable to not accept those type of gestures or it feels very uncomfortable and brings on those different emotions. It almost can feel threatening, although it's an act of kindness, right? And also, I think it brings out how it impacts adults too, can look like control. I'm going to control situations. I'm going to make sure I pay for things. I'm going to make sure I get my own house or have a job, whatever it is, to make sure I am okay, because I can't rely or depend on anyone else. And so we talked about, what being parentified can look like into adulthood and how it might impact someone as an adult. What are some ways to cope and set boundaries?

Jessica Batres (14:19)
It can look different for everybody. Sometimes a boundary can be physical distance. If you don't know how to say no and you keep saying yes because it's too hard, it might look like moving to a different city, moving to a different province, depends on you. But it might look like distance so that you can actually take care of yourself instead of keep taking care of your family because you don't know how to go around it. And sometimes it might be different. It might be, I'll talk to my parents once a month instead of every week because it's too hard or less visits. And so boundaries, you need to figure out what is it that you need and that itself can be hard. But what is it that will affect me less or that I can manage so that it doesn't weigh on me as much.

I think I had a teacher once that mentioned how his mother-in-law was always making comments at him. And so his wife and him had like a system where he would tap on her knees when he had reached his limit and do that in sort of his boundary, like, go to your parents, I'll be there and I'll sit and I'll be nice, but I have my limit. And once I let you know, it's time to go. And so that might be something for you whether it's...for yourself or with your partner, recognize that when you have reached that limit, you have to leave and do something to feel safe. We talked about soft care and having that prevention plan. And so that's what we wanna look and do. What is my boundaries? What are my needs? What is my limit? And what can I do? What do I have to do so that talking to them or being close to them. Ways as less as possible on me where I can still take care of myself but not end up in a crisis after all because you might do everything that you're supposed to do and yet when you're gonna get home or in your bedroom is when you might release things but and that might be very heavy when the rest of the night you might be crying or next day you might be doing something that's also

Sabrina Duong (16:23)
Right, and setting the limits, whether it's having a phone call that is more maybe brief because it could be draining or maybe if it is a loved one who's needing financial support and setting a limit with saying, okay, I'm gonna get grocery cards so I know it's going for this specific need or it could be, like you said, having a bit more distance and not communicating or seeing the person as much. think a lot of times too, you know, with guilt, people feel like this is a form of dishonesty versus it being a boundary, right? Like I'm lying to this, my parent in ending the phone call and saying, have to go, or I'm being dishonest, disingenuine and having less time with them. And so again, we can kind of...
feel guilt in different ways for putting us first or changing that dynamic.

Jessica Batres (17:21)
It's a good point. I could say it's not a lie. It's not a lie. You're not lying. You're not being dishonest. You do have to go for your own well-being. And I think that's way the refreement has to happen because your well-being is as important as if you would have to go to work. Somebody might be knocking on the door or you have a meeting with your friends. It's just as important as those other moments that we could whatever else will come into your mind to kind of justify. But we don't want to minimize what your people's wellbeing is because they're just as important. And there are ways also that if you respect your boundary, if you find ways to manage your interaction with your parents that it doesn't disintegrate, you're also saving them from eventually having a relationship that is non-existent because that can also happen. And so reframing it and looking at the end goal might be more helpful than looking at those boundaries that's why. ⁓

Sabrina Duong (18:25)
great point that it's about setting those boundaries and limits versus maybe the relationship ending more permanently. I was wondering as we wrap up today's episode, if we could talk about maybe some resources that people want to learn more about being preventified or about boundaries at all.

Jessica Batres (18:51)
We want to talk also about self-care, listening to your needs, what they are, making sure you keep taking care of yourself, to set up those boundaries, obviously therapy.

⁓ I mentioned Juliana Arce's book, You Sound Like a Worker, which I really like. Those are the ones that come to mind right now.

Sabrina Duong (19:09)
Yeah, for me, think when it comes to boundaries and a person that has been great to explain it in a very practical straightforward way many years of her life is Nedra Tawab. She's been she's a social worker and now has a boundary quiz on her website has a lot of great books, including a workbook for people who want to practice reinforcing boundaries, communicating them, understanding why. And then for people to understand dynamics with their parents, it could be the adult children of emotionally mature parents, how to heal from distant rejecting or self-involved parents. That book has been helpful for people by Lindsay Gibson, just to get around maybe the dynamics in childhood and how they hear in childhood and how... You know, that book or resource can help as well too.

Jessica Batres (20:00)
Yeah, I do want to also note that when it comes to parentification, it can be seen as abuse to some, but I do want to highlight that it wasn't always done in a malicious way. Like for, I think about my parents, it was done out of survival. That's what we needed to do to keep going through. was never done as a way. Like my intention was to harm you as a kid.

All those times when we talk about children or immigrants, that wasn't the intent. It's just what they need to do to survive. It wasn't meant to be harmful or malicious, but it doesn't change the fact that maybe that might have been hard for you. The way that I see it is that our parents growing up, we saw them as these immortal superhero beings. ⁓

And then as we grow up, we realize they're human beings and whether we like it or not, human beings make mistakes. And so them as a parent, they make mistakes and it's not in any form or shape or form, a way to criticize them as parents or what they did because we all do the best as we can as parents. But even when we do our best, there's still mistakes made. I just wanted to highlight that because I know that that can be something that's hard for the community I work with where they don't want to like the first instinct is like, but they gave me so much. Yes, yes, they did. Absolutely they did. But it doesn't change the fact that you also got hurt in the way and that it's okay. It's okay. It happens for human beings. It happens. And so we want to talk about it, want to unpack it so that you can keep that relationship with them.

Sabrina Duong (21:34)
⁓ And when we think of newcomer families, not many have supports or a community to rely and depend on. And for survival, have to rely on your family how do we repair that as adults or how do we want, to parent, ourselves or have different relationships with that experience, right? And I think those are some of the ways therapy can help, right? Is to process, unpack those things allow people to share what their story is in that journey and what the relationship can look like. We can't control other people's behaviors, but we could still make changes based on how we communicate and how we set those boundaries. And that's where therapy can help.

Jessica Batres (22:18)
Absolutely.

Sabrina Duong (22:19)
Definitely, and still have those values that are important, right, within a culture to have and to still celebrate diversity. So just wondering, Jessica, if people are interested in learning more on this topic, again, about juggling different cultures, you know, whether it's first, second generation how they can reach and connect and learn more about you or about the different ways you can support.

Jessica Batres (22:44)
Yeah, so I will send you to my website first, is raicesflourishcounseling.ca. And I'm also on social media with Instagram, Facebook and TikTok. So through Instagram, you'll find me at at raicesflourishcounseling and then TikTok would be at raicesflourishcounseling.

Sabrina Duong (23:07)
Great. Thank you so much for the discussion today and conversation and look forward to having you on again in the future.

Jessica Batres (23:14)
Thank you so much, Sabrina